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At one point, I sensed the Lord ask me, "Do you love me more than this?"  It really doesn't matter what "this" is in your life or mine.  What matters is when you ask yourself this question, "Do I truly love you Lord?"  Do you desire Him above everything else?  At one point, early on, I was so concerned that the Lord would call me to some difficult place or type of life that would interfere with the life I really wanted.  After all, comfort, money and success aren't so bad, right?  My friend, it's all empty.   All that stuff accounts for nothing.  Go on and chase it and tell me what you find at that mountain top.  Trust me, it won't be what you think.

Like I've had to do, maybe you just need to be honest and confess to Him that maybe, just maybe, you don't love Him like you should and you're not sure how to get there.  After all, when you're sitting at this crossroads, what probably comes to mind is how do I love an invisible God to this extent when I'm not really sure I've truly understood this relationship with Jesus as savior to begin with?  Sure, you've went to the altar, prayed the prayers, felt all the feels, sang the songs, cried the emotional tears, and still something is missing, right?  Maybe you wonder, what is wrong with me?  Why does everyone else seem to have it together and I'm the one who is the disaster?

Contrary to what you may think, this is a good place to be.  It hopefully means that you are coming or have come to the end of yourself.  This is great news because that means you are at the beginning of life in Christ.  When I was here, do you know how many times I prayed something along the lines of teach me to love you as I should, or I want you to truly be the deepest desire of my heart?  Too many to count.  Even though I didn't feel it authentically, I was reaching out in faith, to the One who is faithful, to teach and lead me into this rich inner life that I so wanted to have.  I would like to tell you this happened right away for me.  I would like to tell you that I never fell or struggled again and sang somewhere over the rainbow while riding heavenly horses into the sunset but that wouldn't be true.  I did struggle.  I cried.  I screamed.  I despaired.  I fought depression and I fell a 1000 times.  But guess what, I got up 1001 times.  Bloody, battered and bruised I got up with tears strolling down a dirty face and kept seeking the Lord and He was faithful and patient.  He revealed what I was ready to receive and I learned and kept moving forward.  This isn't everyone's story and it doesn't have to be, but it's mine.

Through this process, I fell in love with Him.  I'm a guy, but I'm here to tell you, I'm the sinful woman washing Jesus feet with my tears, drying them with my hair and rubbing them with perfume (Luke 7:36-39).   Am I still in this place?  Thankfully I continue to move forward in growth and maturity, seeking Him, loving Him and living in the beauty of His holiness.  This requires a very active focus and determination.  Do you happen to recall when Jesus said this very controversial statement?  This is from John 6:  So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in yourselves. ⁵⁴ He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. ⁵⁵ For My flesh is true food, and My blood is true drink. ⁵⁶ He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him.

I've become increasingly interested in nutrition.  What I put into my body truly is important and which foods have the vitamins, minerals and nutrients I need while staying in a healthy calorie range is the challenge.  This takes time, effort and dedication.  There is much research that goes into this process.  Also, as we know, old habits die hard.  Sugar has been my most difficult adversary.  I've made great progress and I've also fell off the wagon many times.  You guessed it, I keep getting back up, dusting myself off, refocus and work to see what component to success I may be missing.  This is all very iimportant but truly it is not as important as eating and drinking of Him.  Yet, it has taken me so long to realize how dining on Him is the path to life.  If you are able to see the spiritual purpose and strength in these words then you can begin to understand that He is the buffet table of amazing foods!  If you don't yet see the significance of this we are back to being honest before him.  "Lord, I want to understand and have that inner spiritual hunger to eat of your flesh and drink of your blood."  Understand that it doesn't stop at that little prayer.  It is only the beginning.  If you don't yet see, this is a lifestyle, it is a way of living everyday in every moment.  You don't check in and out of life in Christ like a hotel room.  You either want to learn to love and desire Him and enter into His life giving nature or you don't.  You will need to set certain things aside to vigorously live this life and that will require being honest with yourself and with God about what things are priorities.  This is a very active way of living and it requires your devotion.  This is a never ending well and His vastness we could talk about forever, but at some point our conversation in this "click a next button" format has to end and you have a journey to begin or a race to continue running.  I hope to think at this point you know what the next step is.  Sit back, take a breath and talk to Him.  Follow the conviction or leading you may be feeling in your spirit man as where to go from here.  Be encouraged because He is worth it.  It is the best race you will ever run.  I've enjoyed our time together and maybe we will visit in a different format at some point in the future.  Until then, maybe the Tool Box will help to guide you and check out the blog section and other areas that may be helpful.  All the best to you my friend.